Overhead on a bus into town

‘Ah, Jaysus, there you are.’

‘Yeah, it’s me again.’

‘You look wrecked.’

‘Jet lag.’

‘Where were you?’

‘Orlando.’

‘Jaysus. Any good?’

‘Yeah, it wasn’t bad actually.’

‘What was the weather like?’

‘Hot and sticky during the day and huge thunderstorms at night.’

‘I believe the lightning is bad over there.’

‘You believe right. Now I know how a piece of coal feels.’

‘Smoke?’

‘Thanks.’

‘Give us a light there, will you?’

‘No sweat.’

‘Thanks.’

‘It’s nice to be home though.’

‘I’d say so. Was it any good?’

‘Well the place is full of Yanks, Brits and northerners but apart from that it was alright.’

‘What was the flight like?’

‘Awful. I felt like a salmon sitting in a sardine tin with his legs stuck up his arse.’

‘Jaysus, was it a long flight?‘

‘Eternal.’

‘Here’s your man up for the bus fare.’

‘Hang on I have it here.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, it’s no sweat.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Is this bus late?’

‘No more than usual. What was the food like?’

‘If you like meat then Orlando’s the place for you.’

‘Why?’

‘Put it this way. Orlando is the place where men are fat and cows are very nervous.’

‘Ha ha. So you had some meat, did you?’

‘I did.’

‘Did you share it around?’

‘You must be joking.’

‘Why?’

‘I went to Sea World and the female whale was the smallest woman there.’

‘No.’

‘Was it any good?’

‘What?’

‘Sea World.’

‘It was alright I s’pose. It was expensive to get in.’

‘I heard that alright.’

‘Then you have to pay for parking.’

‘Yeah. Same as Disneyland.’

‘Yeah. Except it’s Walt Disney World now.’

‘Why is that?’

‘I’m fucked if I know. Maybe it’s because Walt Disney owns it.’

‘Owned it.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, Walt is dead, isn’t he?’

‘I hope so, they buried the fucker.’

‘No they didn’t. Don’t they have his body frozen in the castle or something?’

‘Well, they’ll need a good fridge because the heat is woeful over there.’

‘I s’pose so. Did you go to Disney, sorry, Walt world?’

‘Yes but I only went to the MGM part.’

‘Why?’

‘Well, I’ve been to the rest of them before and MGM is the only one I like.’

‘Well excuse me.’

‘Yeah. Well I’ll tell you this, it’s the last fuckin’ time I’ll go there.’

‘Why?’

‘You can hardly smoke there at all now.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘Yeah and nobody told us that there was an embargo on it either. $53 plus tax and $7 for parking and then they tell you that you can’t smoke in the open air? I’ll tell you. America is gone fuckin’ mad.’

‘Is it like New York now?’

‘No, it’s worse. They really go over the top with it though.’

‘Yeah but they do that with everything, don’t they?’

‘Yeah they do but if I had’ve known it was no smoking I wouldn’t have bothered me arse going at all. Sure it’d kill you not to smoke in a place like that. It’s huge!’

‘When did you find out?’

‘When I was in there for over an hour. We went early and had a smoke outside the Chinese theatre before we went in because we knew it was a long thing.’

‘Right. Good idea.’

‘Yeah. Then we had one when we came back out with a cup of coffee.’

‘This is outside in the air?’

‘Yeah. Then we went on the Back Lot Tour which lasts about an hour so we didn’t chance smoking on that but as soon as we got out of it we lit a smoke each.’

‘Right.’

‘Well I’m not joking you, you’d think that we were related to Saddam Hussein to hear the carry on of them.’

‘No way.’

‘Yeah. This American bloke with a kid came running up to us and said, “if you want to kill yourself, buddy, go ahead but don’t kill my kid” and he ran off dragging the child behind him by the arm. I’m not joking you he nearly pulled the child’s arm out of its socket.’

‘No way.’

‘Yeah. To be honest with you the only bad thing that happened that kid in his life was being saddled with that prick for a father.’

‘Ha ha. I’d say so. Plus being a Yank.’

‘Ah the Yanks are alright, now. Don’t get me wrong. They are just a bit removed from reality, if you know what I mean.’

‘I do indeed.’

‘Anyway this fella drags the child up to one of the cast members - they call the staff cast members in Walt Land - and tells her that we are smoking. I’m not codding you. He fucking told on us. I couldn’t believe it.’

‘What did she do?’

‘Asked us to put the smoke out.’

‘And did you?’

‘No, she said that the smoking areas were marked on a map so we found one close by.’

‘Ah that was alright so.’

‘Yeah. But they make you feel like a rapist or something. They should put a ban on the food while they are at it.’

‘I know what you mean. It’s a bit like the conductor on this bus.’

‘Exactly. The only problem is that the staff are a bit thick over there. I don’t think you need a huge IQ to work in Disney Town.’

‘Just a huge arse?’

‘Ha ha, yes, very good.’

‘Why is that?’

‘Well we went in to see something or to get something to eat and when we came out we were gumming for a smoke. You know the way you do?’

‘I do.’

‘So we checked the map and found a smoking area marked on it. We walked over and found it - you have to remember that these maps aren’t exactly designed for a Polar expedition. When we got there we saw a few people sitting on benches having a smoke so we sat beside them and lit up.’

‘Were these Americans?’

‘Yeah. So we were smoking away and I was thinking of having a second one to make up the deficit when this little fat thing in a green tee shirt comes over and tells us that we can’t smoke there.’

‘You’re joking.’

‘I’m not. So I showed her the map and she said that we had the wrong place. I told her that the rest of the people on the benches must have had the wrong place because they were all smoking too and do you know what the stupid bitch said?’

‘What?’

‘ “Well, when one starts then everybody follows along behind.” I have never hit a woman in my life but she was nearly the first. Although, by the looks of her I think I would have got away with it if I pleaded mistaken identity even though, knowing my luck, she would have had a good shave before she went to court and got off.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘Anyway, Disney was just a part of it.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah and everywhere you go you meet people who are from Ireland too.’

‘The Republic?’

‘No, Ireland in America. One bird heard me talking and asked where I was from. I told

her I was Irish and she said she was Irish too. I asked her what part of Ireland and she said that she was born in America and lived there all of her life but that her grandfather was Irish and this made her Irish too.’

‘Yeah? What did you say to that?’

‘I just told her that my grandfather is Irish too.’

‘Well, he is.’

‘I know, and another thing was that half of them couldn’t understand a word I was saying.’

‘Why not?’

‘They reckoned that I was speaking too fast and they couldn’t catch anything I said.’

‘And were you?’

‘Probably. But you know what it’s like here. I just explained to one woman that I was from Ireland and that we were nearer to London than she was and that was the reason we speak quicker than them.’

‘What did she say to that?’

‘I don’t know, I didn’t catch it. Ha ha.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘No, she seemed to understand what I meant, sadly.’

‘What was the food like?’

‘It was alright if you like loads of meat and chips.’

‘That sounds good.’

‘Yeah it does and it did to me too but you have to try it for a few days to realise that it begins to poison your system after a while.’

‘I know what you mean. Did you eat much burgers or fried chicken?’

‘I tried not to. On the Thursday we had to find some real food so we searched out an Italian restaurant that looked promising.’

‘And?’

‘We went down and looked at the menu outside the door. The food looked alright anyway so we went in. When we got in there was this big waiter standing in the middle of the place beside a piano and he was singing an opera song.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah, a fuckin’ opera singer. All the waiters were singers. I couldn’t believe it.’

‘Were they any good?’

‘What the fuck does that matter?’

‘So what did you do?’

‘I asked the bloke who was showing us to our table if the singer knew any songs by John Lennon.’

‘Ha ha. You did not?’

‘Yeah, it went down like a lead balloon. He looked at me as if I had just pissed in his pocket.’

‘Was it an expensive place?’

‘I s’pose it was by Orlando standards but it wasn’t as dear as here.’

‘I know what you mean. Did you drink the wine?’

‘No. I hate wine but herself had a glass of red wine.’

‘A scarlet Zinfandel?’

‘Ha ha, yeah, exactly. The ‘77.’

‘The ‘77?’

‘Yeah, the ‘76 was corked, don’t you know, old bean.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘The food was good, though. Even though the bitch who served us was in my face afterwards for a tip.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘She handed me the bill and told me that the minimum tip was 15%.’

‘Fuck, the cheeky bitch. What did you say to that?’

‘I told her that the best tip I could give her was to extend her vocal range and stand up straight when she was singing.’

‘You did not.’

‘I did.’

‘What did she say to that?’

‘She didn’t understand me. I was talking too quick for her.’

‘Did you give her a tip?’

‘I had to. I think she would have killed me if I didn’t. After all, all she had to do was sit on me and I was fucked.’

‘Why? Was she big?’

‘Yeah, she was extradited from St. Pete’s Beach the week before because she was stopping the tide coming in and the whales were complaining because she was doing them out of business.’

‘She was like an eclipse?’

‘Ha ha yeah. Besides, it was pissing down when we got outside and there was no way I could have run through the rain without a scuba diver’s outfit and a tank of air and survived.’

‘Well, normal service resumes today anyway.’

‘Yeah. Tell me about it. Still, the weather is not too bad.’

‘No it isn’t. Are you back in full time today?’

‘Yeah, I might as well do. No point in putting it off until tomorrow, is there?’

‘No, I s’pose not. You’re better off. Besides, you can always fall asleep in the office if you need to.’

‘I wish I could. Anyway the next stop is mine.’

‘Take it easy then.’

‘I will. From Orlando to Irelando in less than a day what? The wonders of modern technology.’

‘Tell me about it. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Please God, if I can get through today.’

‘Good luck.’

‘All the best.’

Biography

Jack Portland has been a regular contributor to Electric Acorn. He lives in Dublin with Sheree Gillcrist, well regarded, award winning Atlantic Canadian poet and author of Wandering Spirits and Restless Hearts - her critically acclaimed first anthology. Jack's work has been read in America and Canada and he is currently polishing his novel, Let Love Speak Up Itself, for publication in late 2004 / early 2005.